Nicotine Withdrawal

Feeling the fire of nicotine withdrawal as I write this. This withdrawal is hitting dead center of my brain, like a piece of glowing charcoal dropped in, and my chest, like a vise. Every moment is a scream.

There’s no tossing and turning, no sweats like with alcohol and other drugs, just agony in my mind and waves of justification to pick back up. I didn’t know I still carried a reserve of self-deception so deep. But it’s talking to me. Screaming. Justifying the relapse in hundreds of promising ways.

I attended a support group, tried to express myself. Failed. I’m stuttering. Confused. Whatever is in play biologically, neurologically, I’m not all there.

I’m grateful for reaching out on Twitter, also my homies, local supports, before I stopped I asked for help. Partly for accountability too.

Photo by Lucas Pezeta from Pexels

If I make it a few more hours, day three is in the books.

Part of me knows whatever gets thrown at me, I can overcome, but right now, it’s wave after wave. Relentless.

I frequently use humor to help get through, and realized I need my core ramped up to something stronger.

Actually that’s why I’m changing things up. The challenge. To get into a better space. I probably could drag tobacco use out a while longer, but I was tired of every decision being shaded by the need to guard my tobacco consumption.

So there’s a freedom there. I just don’t know what that is gonna look like, feel like, or live like yet. But thanks to the rooms, and people around the various recovery communities, I have more faith than not the waves of agony will end.

I just picked a helluva year to quit tobacco.

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Recovery Quotes & Sayings

Do you know of any recovery sayings, idioms, cliches or quotes? This post will be expanded to include them! Just reach out to an admin or author, and we’ll get it posted.

  • We do Recover
  • First things First
  • Recovery is not sexually transmitted
  • Long-term sobriety is not sexually transmitted
  • There is no such thing as recovery by osmosis
  • Easy Does It
  • One Day at a Time
  • This too shall pass
  • If you don’t believe in a higher power, try to stop a wave
  • If all you do is take the brandy out of a fruitcake, you’ve still got a fruitcake
  • Think, Think, Think
  • The solution is as close as your breath
  • I can drink and use again when my anniversary chip finally melts in my mouth
  • If nothing changes, nothing changes
  • The grace is in the grey

Rage. Quiet Desperation. Perspective.

Rough day. I live tweeted waiting for a UPS package, and they came and left a note. He swears he knocked.

Whatever the equivalent of road rage kicked in. I need that package. My insulin. Fear. Anger. Frustration.

My normal m.o. is to seethe. To quietly rage against the machine. I despise that sensation. All kinds of shortcomings spring forth. Superiority. Derision.

A sharp desire to drink or use ‘at’ a feeling. An ephemeral wraith emotionally visible, that I can either wait out, work my way through, or cave into the desire to get lit, and stir the ladle of hate.

It’s fucked. That place. That state of mind.

A girlfriend once pointed out that a change in perspective was the miracle of recovery, and it was as close and available as my breath.

She was into Wicca, candles and a lot of heady stuff I never understood. But she was spot on.

The change in perspective was to just solve it. UPS saw my tweet stream, probably hoping I’d delete it, but regardless, presenting a host of solutions, to get my insulin, in the quickest way.

So I shifted to that perspective. Solve it.

Only a few hours later, problem solved. Anger gone. UPS-derived road rage gone.

A change in perspective. I was not likely to drink. I coulda stewed nicely though, until I was well done. I would have used ‘at’ feelings, and by extension, myself.

Self harm. Rage. Drunk. High. No, no thanks. I don’t have to live that way.

#RevoveryPosse helped nudge me along. The support is awesome. The #RecoveryPosse team is massive, worldwide. In a bunch of languages. In every style. We don’t even have to see eye-to-eye. The support is there.

Speaking of which, please consider joining the blog as an author, or administrator. It’s here for everyone in the hashtag. AA, NA, SMART, Dharma, MAT/OAT – if you’re looking for words of support reach out.

And remember, perspective.

-Steve (@addictivist)

Reorganized List

I alphabetized the #recoveryposse list for easier use and organization of adding people. It may also help to copy and create other lists for personal use in the future. I’d like to make a master list as an excel (compatible) spreadsheet that we could add as a file, but that’s a ‘down the road’ item. Anyone wanna tackle that? Let me know or just do it and send me the file, I’ll link it from the pinned post in the files section.

-Steve